Free Fallin...

So I can’t believe it’s been a month since I last poured a little bit more of myself out onto this blog.  Sheesh, I’d tell you why, but that’s a story for another day.  Right now, I’m listening to John Mayer play my favorite Tom Petty song…Free Fallin.  And it fits because I was just talking with my friend Kenya about how crazy you can feel putting your art out there, whether it be music, painting or writing.  The overwhelmed factor is pretty high, like standing on the edge of a cliff and knowing the only way out is to jump.  Free Fallin.  So after we finished our musing, I had an idea for a poem that turned into a story in two pages.  I hope you like it.

What the Butterfly Feels

“It is nice and warm in here,” she says as she snuggles deep into well worn places.

“No need to move – at all.”

But the first rip of the cocoon is often ignored. 

She thinks that if she stays really still it will go away, repair itself on its own

Or maybe no one will notice.

But the second tear is longer, louder than the first and she knows,

Something is going to change – forever.

Frightened, she hugs her crumpled wings closer

“I don’t want to leave.  I don’t need to leave,” she tells herself.

“Come out of there,” I say.  “You belong out here.”

But she is not brave; she cowers at the sound of my truth.

And when the twisting starts inside her belly, she hunkers down against the urge to move.

The inertia she’s trying to enforce splits the bottom wide open

Almost

She almost falls down.

She’s only seconds from flying

but she doesn’t know it.

She’s clinging to the sides of a familiar that has grown too small.

“But I was fine.  I was fine,” she insists with wide, disbelieving eyes.

The bottom is so far down

And her fear keeps her attention from noticing the stretching of her wings.

“But, but…but,” she says just as the fiber separating her from pure air pulls apart

One

Last

Time.

And she falls

Into everything that lies beyond

everywhere she’s ever been

“Open your eyes,” I tell her.  “You’re nowhere near the ground.”

As always, if you’re out there, thanks for reading!

Rising to the Challenge

So up until this post, I have been blogging in secret.  No, that doesn’t make any sense, but hey, that’s just me.  Not even my husband had this link until today.

So why am I sharing it now?  In short, I’ve been coerced by this challenge that I entered through Writer’s Digest to do one task a day to help build my author’s platform (i.e. all the stuff that will help me get info out about the books, me, etc.).  The challenge 3 days ago was to write and link this blog to my Facebook, Linkedin and Twitter accounts and I’ve been procrastinating ever since. 

Why is this so hard?  I guess all the usual suspects are at work here…fear of ridicule, fear of failure, fear of blah, blah, blah.  Even I don’t want to hear my own excuses.  

The point is…HERE I AM! And I’m writing a story or two or more.  First up is Order of the Seers, a sci-fi novel that I am trying to get published right now.  Second is the Seers sequel which is in progress (chapter outline complete, first chapter written).   

In the cue after that is:

           1) The final installment of the Seers trilogy

           2) A children’s book series entitled Enchanted World – 5 Tales of Magic in the Everyday and

           3) A book on deciphering all the relationship and marriage advice I received when I was single 

  (now that I understand most of it) called More than the Ring.

Want to know more?  I hope so.  Subscribe to this blog and follow me on Facebook, Twitter - @cerecermurphy (gulp!) and Linkedin to get updates on my upcoming website, book trailers, publishing dates and other cool stuff that’s coming down the pike.

As always, if you’re out there, thanks for reading!

~ Cerece

High School All Over Again...

I went to my senior prom stag, mostly because I didn’t know any boys to ask.  Lucky for me, I went to an all-girls school, so going solo was taken as a sign of independence.  But now I find that, as an unpublished author-in-waiting, it’s high school all over again.  Except now I’m waiting for someone to ask me to the dance (an agent/publisher to call) and if they don’t, the question is – if I go stag (self-publish) will it be seen by the industry as a sign of independence or a sign that I wasn’t good enough to be asked?

I read a fascinating article by the Los Angeles Review of Books the other day on why self-published authors don’t get reviewed by newspaper papers, trade magazines, etc. In it, a traditionally-published author suggested that before she was established “I didn’t think I could call myself a writer if I paid someone else to publish my stuff.”  I had to read the statement twice, then check it again to make sure it was a grown-person saying it.  When all was confirmed, I sat back and thought, “Wow…what a mind job.” Before she gave self-publishing a try - in her world – you were only a writer if someone else said so. 

*Pregnant Pause*

That’s just way too much power to put in someone else’s hands.  Even if I never publish a thing, I am a writer.  Before, I was sheepish about saying it, but after reading that article I realized that I don’t want to approach my career in writing like a 17 year old girl hoping to be asked to the prom.  Even though it feels like the Wild Wild West in publishing these days and I have no idea how my efforts to publish traditionally will pan out, I know I have to believe in my own work first.  Whatever happens, who I am and what I do has to start and end with me. 

If you’re out there, thanks for reading!

~ Cerece

The Five Things

To me, being busy is overrated.  So is multi-tasking, constantly being in-touch and Super-woman.  I love the focus and simplicity of doing one thing well.  I don’t think someone should send you a work-related email at 10pm at night and expect an immediate response.  The 24 hour cycle of news, TV shows, and sound bites has the effect of making me feel less informed, less sure of what exactly it is I do know and don’t even get me started on Super-woman.  

I love it when my phone doesn’t ring (unless, of course, it’s an agent).  Five emails a day is enough to make me feel like someone loves me.  When the phone rings too much, I start to feel too needed and I don’t like that.  I like to be wanted, not needed (my children are the only exception to this rule.)

So about five years ago, I instituted what I call the 5 things rule, which basically means, all my activities and energy focus on no more than five main priorities on any given day.   I am a wife and mother, so 3 of the things I do each day don’t change.  My 5 things list usually goes like this (the order shifts based on what is practical and efficient):

1) Children (whatever they need, whatever they want that I can handle and that they have earned)
2) Family (this usually has to do with my husband and I and how we work together to meet our individual, couple and family needs)
3) Me and God (I make time for myself and God every day, because, if I don’t, I get really grumpy.)
4) Work (in this case – writing, trying to get my book published) 
5) Some other thing – house work, favors to friends/family, the summer/winter switch, etc.  

If anybody asks me to do something and both 4 and 5 are taken up, I say no.  It’s as simple as that unless someone is dying.  I just can’t handle more than that at this phase of my life.  Every once and a while, I’ll try to push it and you can always tell.  I either end up bitchy or depressed.  I’m not proud of this fact, but it’s the truth - my body’s way of telling me I am off center.  It used to make me feel bad to say “I can’t handle that right now” because I felt like I was admitting that I was lacking in some way.  Now, I realize that being able to say “not now” when I really don’t have it to give preserves my sanity and that is a very good and very smart thing to preserve.  

Maria Shriver once said that you can have everything you want, just not all at the same time.  I thank God and her for putting those words in a place where I could read them and calibrate my life’s expectations to give me the best chance at leading a mostly happy existence.  Here’s to your sanity and mine!

If you’re out there, thanks for reading!

~ Cerece

Climbing Mt. Kili

Ever since my cousin Newton first told me that Mount Kilimanjaro was the tallest mountain in Africa, I have wanted to climb it.  I don’t really know why this tiny piece of information captured my imagination so fully, but it did.  At the clueless age of 10, I resolved that, one day, I would get on that mountain and climb it.  Fast forward 20 years - Out of the blue, a missionary group at my brother’s church asked me to accompany them to Tanzania to do some research for an orphanage that they planned to build there.  I said yes because I love to travel and the challenge of working with small non-profits. After the 4 day trip was over, I arranged to stay in Tanzania by myself for an extra 3 days to fulfill my lifelong dream.  Now, I should pause here and tell you that for some reason I didn’t think to do ANY research on what it would take to actually get to the top of Mt. Kili until I arrived in Arusha, so when I got there and found out that a typical trip to the top takes 5 days, I was a little shocked and disappointed.

But it didn’t ruin a thing for me.  Driving up to the starting point of the climb was surreal.  I will never forget seeing Mt. Kili from a distance. My whole body was a mixture of awe, fear and excitement.  There is no other feeling like living a dream come true.  Every step I took felt like a gift.  My guide, Emmanuel John and his crew were the BEST.  Emmanuel was studying horticulture and knew EVERY tree, flower and plant by heart.  His explanation of the different ecosystems that we walked through was fascinating.  As we walked up the hill, I could literally see the change in the environment around me, from tropical forest to mystical desert to snow covered barren dirt and rock.  

People kept asking me if I was planning to make it to the top.  When I told them of my time constraints, they all looked a little sorry for me, but I didn’t care one bit.  To me, I felt sorry for them, because while I was sitting down with my guide and the couriers that lugged all my food and supplies up the hill on my behalf, enjoying some of the best vegetarian meals I have ever had, everyone else was huddled around tables looking haggard and distressed with the one question that seemed to permeate every conversation. “Did you/will you make it to the top?” In the end, those who did looked dazed and those who didn’t looked devastated. Maybe it was because I knew that I didn’t have enough time to reach the top that I just decided to slow down and enjoy the journey.  I felt like the happiest person on that mountain and can’t wait to go back and share the experience with my family.  Maybe I’ll make it to the top next time, maybe I won’t, but either way, I will be so grateful for the experience.  

It occurred to me today, that trying to get my book published is a lot like climbing Mt. Kili.  I feel that same mix of awe, excitement (and yes, fear) every time I take a step closer to putting myself out there, pushing this book.  To have created a story is, in itself, a dream come true and while the publishing process is disappointing sometimes, I see myself learn and grow every day on my journey to becoming a better and more confident writer.  Will I make it to the top of this mountain?  Only time will tell, but every step towards publishing this book feels like a blessing and I’ll tell you what I told all those people on Mt. Kili – I will go as far as I can. 

If you’re out there, thanks for reading!

~ Cerece

Kicking n Screaming

A blog about becoming myself

In my life, I never thought I’d do a lot of things.

I never thought I would get married.
I never thought I would become a mother.

I never thought I would have the opportunity to travel the world and work to improve the community I grew up in.

I never thought I would start my own business.

I never thought I would write a book and

I sure as hell never thought I would write a blog.

It wasn’t that I lacked imagination, what I was missing was far more essential than that.

I lacked faith in my own potential.

When I finished my first book, Order of the Seers (OotS), a friend of mine encouraged me to try and get it published, which I’m now trying to do.  In my research on the business of books, one of the things I’ve learned is that agents and publishers expect you to have an “author’s platform” in place  - which means a website, a blog, and a twitter account and facebook page filled with thousands of people just waiting with baited breath for every word you write.  (As a side note, you might wonder - if you had all that, why would you need a publisher?  That’s a question I’m still trying to answer.)  

Making the decision to start this blog was part of my effort to conform to that expectation.

But, I don’t like conformity.  I don’t like doing anything that doesn’t feel like me.  So I waited and wondered, why I, a very private person, would write a blog, in an attempt to share my thoughts with people I can’t see?

The answer came to me at 3am last night, while I was reading the reviews I got for OotS when I posted the story briefly last year.  As I went through each comment, it was almost an out-of-body experience.  I just kept thinking that I couldn’t believe I had written something that made people laugh, cry, get excited and be inspired.  Was that me? Really?

Since I finished posting the story almost a year ago, I’ve been busy.  My husband and I bought and sold a house, moved to the suburbs, had our second child and helped our oldest child acclimate to pre-k.  

In between all that, I had managed to eek out a rough outline for the OotS sequel.  But I still haven’t finished all the research that I need to do or felt the energy to write. That, I’ve been telling myself, is why I haven’t been writing. 

After 2 hours of reading reviews, I knew those weren’t the only reasons the sequel has remained stuck in my head.  

The truth is that I’ve been unconsciously afraid.  Afraid I can’t write a sequel that is equal to or better than the first.  Afraid that I don’t have any more good ideas and mostly just afraid to put myself out there.  That’s when I realized why I need to write this blog.  Because fear is not a way to live.  I realized it’s time for me to step all the way out into the full potential of me, my writing and whatever else I’m meant to be and pursue.

The title of this blog was supposed to be a joke about my aversion to /ineptitude with all things technical, but as of 3am this morning, I realized that the title of this blog is really about me and the long, hard, crazy-sweet road to becoming who I am today and who I will be tomorrow.

And I’m game for it.  I just needed another reminder of who I am and what I’m capable of.  To all those who took the time to tell me they liked my story, thank you.

Now, I’ve gotta go.  I have a sequel to write.

If you’re out there, thanks for reading!

~ Cerece